"I'm tired of tying, I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying..."

I feel like shit today. My arm is sore, I'm unhappy and my bad thoughts are still stuck with me. I'm hating myself for being so stupid and in turn, it's causing me even more pain and upset.

People always used to tell me I'm an attention seeker; that everything I'm doing was to get sympathy from the ones I wanted close.

Admitedly, during the first year that I was harming, it was to get attention...but it was because I didn't fit in at school and I wanted to be noticed; I wanted people to know who I was...but that was the wrong way about it.

I was teased for it and called the "emo dyke". My self harm turned into an addiction...it was the addiction for pain. Because of the teasing, it caused me to sink...and I started harming to make me feel better...to release the pain that was building up inside...

Today I'm harming, not for attention, but because I hurt. I'm in emotional pain and I just wanted it to go away....and its not working. I'm still waking up in the morning, dreading the rest of the day. I've started to feel insecure about myself, and when I'm left to my own devices, I get scared that maybe someday I just may push myself too hard and wind up in a pool of blood for my flatmate to walk in on.

I want to try be a better person; I want to get my life back on track and I want a new outlet for my pain. Its going to take some time and I'm in no state to start trying...especially given the fact that I still think of ways to try end my life.