I'm scared; I'm alone; You're not here; I need you.

I know we need money, but on a day I've specifically taken off, you have gone and signed yourself up to work. I barely see you anymore and recently, if I have, there have been others around.

I want to find a fucking job so we can do things, so we can afford to live, so we don't have to work as hard. But I fucked up really bad and now I'm suffering from the consequences.

I also know that you need time to yourself and I'm sorry I'm just a pain in your arse. I hate myslef for all the wrongs I've done recently. Its building up inside me and I just can't take it anymore.

I sometimes wonder how you would react, walking in on my dead body. I wonder what you'd feel. I always question whether you actually care and if I should listen to you telling me its going to be okay. Because, in my eyes, it's not going to be okay. I have all these horrible thoughts running through my mind, that I can very rarely see the positive in anything these days.

I want to go away for a while, take a break from life and not have to worry about anything, but I screwed up so the chances of this great get away are minimal. I also want to be able to connect with you like we used to. We act like an old married couple. Bickering about the stupidest things, exchanging nothing but small kisses and hugs...but I want that forbidden-ness back in our relationship. I want it to be exciting. I want to be able to see that wild side again...and the only time you seem to want it is when my Aunt Flow visits.

All my problems seem to be revolving around my feelings for you now and sadly, if everything stays the same, I'm not sure how much more I can take. I do everything I can to keep you happy, but in turn, it's slowly bringing me down. Especially when I am reminded that you are the one supporting me and when that gets brought up, it hurts.

I don't know why I'm so pathetic. I don't know why I can't do anything, or even have the motivation to stick around to do something. Sometimes I even feel guilted into living. My mind screams at me to leave my troubles behind, to end everything so I don't have to deal with what I feel...but somehow, I just can't leave you.

My ramblings are pathetic...