I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared



I’m Scared

I don't know anymore.

You told me when you left today, you didn't care how long I was on the phone talking to you, yet when you get to work and are on your break for like 5 minutes, you esentially tell me to bugger off...after you tell me HE is working. You're working today, so is he. You mention when you see him or anything that's to do with him...and you wonder why I have dreams about you running off with him?

I'm scared, and I don't want to lose you. I know your history and that's the only thing about you that I don't trust. I can't be sure that you won't 'get bored' and end up cheating.

I can't lose you. You are my world, and writing this at the moment, I can feel my heart aching because of the pain I know it would cause me.

I'm not telling you that I have no trust in you; I'm just saying that I'm scared and I know what you're like. 

♥

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

♥

 

I'm scared; I'm alone; You're not here; I need you.

I know we need money, but on a day I've specifically taken off, you have gone and signed yourself up to work. I barely see you anymore and recently, if I have, there have been others around.

I want to find a fucking job so we can do things, so we can afford to live, so we don't have to work as hard. But I fucked up really bad and now I'm suffering from the consequences.

I also know that you need time to yourself and I'm sorry I'm just a pain in your arse. I hate myslef for all the wrongs I've done recently. Its building up inside me and I just can't take it anymore.

I sometimes wonder how you would react, walking in on my dead body. I wonder what you'd feel. I always question whether you actually care and if I should listen to you telling me its going to be okay. Because, in my eyes, it's not going to be okay. I have all these horrible thoughts running through my mind, that I can very rarely see the positive in anything these days.

I want to go away for a while, take a break from life and not have to worry about anything, but I screwed up so the chances of this great get away are minimal. I also want to be able to connect with you like we used to. We act like an old married couple. Bickering about the stupidest things, exchanging nothing but small kisses and hugs...but I want that forbidden-ness back in our relationship. I want it to be exciting. I want to be able to see that wild side again...and the only time you seem to want it is when my Aunt Flow visits.

All my problems seem to be revolving around my feelings for you now and sadly, if everything stays the same, I'm not sure how much more I can take. I do everything I can to keep you happy, but in turn, it's slowly bringing me down. Especially when I am reminded that you are the one supporting me and when that gets brought up, it hurts.

I don't know why I'm so pathetic. I don't know why I can't do anything, or even have the motivation to stick around to do something. Sometimes I even feel guilted into living. My mind screams at me to leave my troubles behind, to end everything so I don't have to deal with what I feel...but somehow, I just can't leave you.

My ramblings are pathetic...

I had the weirdest thought go through my mind...

How I know that you hurt me...
How I hurt you too...
How I lied about fucking you all those times...
How I used you to get over her...
How I started falling for you...
How I miss you...
How I wish I could repair what went wrong between us
How I wish we could do all the things we said we would...

...But I'm happy...

And I've spent too much time trying to make her mine...

I'm not giving her up that easily...

I'm sorry :( xox

 

Caitlin,

You are my everything. You give me something to look forward to when I wake up. You give me something to look forward to when I come home from tech. You just give me something to look forward to in life.

You, baby, are gorgeous, whether you choose to believe it or not. You can be so fucking sexy when you want to be. Your eyes are bloody beautiful, I could gaze into them forever. Your lips are so soft and feel amazing when you push them against mine. Your skin is so smooth and your curves are so lovely, I never want to stop touching you.

When you smile, you make me smile. Baby, when you cry, I just want to hold you and cry too. When you laugh, it brightens my day.

Caitlin, you mean the world to me. You have pulled me out of dark places and kept me safe from the world. You give a damn about who I am and you care enough to help me. You are the girl I’ve fallen in love with. You’ve made me believe in things I thought were bullshit. I’ve become naïve enough to say that I think I won’t ever stop loving you, when in reality, we both know these feelings won’t stay forever.

You are my girl. I love you with all I have left to give. You’ve kept me safe and shown me what it’s like to have someone love you back.

Baby, I love you forever.

xoxox

I don't actually have anything really to say...I haven't done in a long time.

I'm just sitting here with my tempromental iPod and thinking about my doctors appointment tomorrow.

I'm kinda scared. I don't want to go, especailly not if I'm given bed news such as the fact that I do have endometriosis. Chances are, I don't have it, but there's always the "What if's."

On another note, I don't want to be working at McDonalds, so I'm just not going to take the job. I'm searching for full time work so I can drop out of my course (which I fucking hate) and then I can help Cait when she goes part time etc...

i like to walk in the rain, 'cause then no one knows i'm crying  

xxx

Friday night beneath the stars,
in a field behind your yard,
you and I are paintin' pictures in the sky.
And sometimes we don't say a thing;
just listen to the crickets sing.
Everything I need is right here by my side.
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

Just a small town boy and girl
livin' in a crazy world.
Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true.
And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say that you can't live without me.

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you
With you

Why is it that I’m happy for one day and then the next I just can't stop crying?

It’s not fair, and I try keeping my mind empty, so I don't think about anything that will cause me pain...

But no matter how hard I push it out of my mind, it always seems to come back and bite me in the arse.

I feel as though I’m losing the closest person to me and that just upsets me more...I want to push away...to run away from you...but I can't...I just can't...I love you too much to do that...and once upon a time, I made a promise that 1) I wouldn't run away and 2) that I wouldn't hurt you.

I can't push you away when you tell me this...

"...But I love you like I've never loved before."

And Ashley, I listened to that song...it made me cry...but thank you :')

Xoxoxoxox

i look real shit in this photo, but it makes me smile everytime.

it reminds me why i should keep going

:)

today is looking up...its not foul, my mind is clear and i actually feel happy.

i may be crying while writing this, but i feel so relaxed, loved and happy.

 i know there are people out there who care and today i'm recognising it...i feel good :)

"I'm tired of tying, I'm tired of crying. I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying..."

I feel like shit today. My arm is sore, I'm unhappy and my bad thoughts are still stuck with me. I'm hating myself for being so stupid and in turn, it's causing me even more pain and upset.

People always used to tell me I'm an attention seeker; that everything I'm doing was to get sympathy from the ones I wanted close.

Admitedly, during the first year that I was harming, it was to get attention...but it was because I didn't fit in at school and I wanted to be noticed; I wanted people to know who I was...but that was the wrong way about it.

I was teased for it and called the "emo dyke". My self harm turned into an addiction...it was the addiction for pain. Because of the teasing, it caused me to sink...and I started harming to make me feel better...to release the pain that was building up inside...

Today I'm harming, not for attention, but because I hurt. I'm in emotional pain and I just wanted it to go away....and its not working. I'm still waking up in the morning, dreading the rest of the day. I've started to feel insecure about myself, and when I'm left to my own devices, I get scared that maybe someday I just may push myself too hard and wind up in a pool of blood for my flatmate to walk in on.

I want to try be a better person; I want to get my life back on track and I want a new outlet for my pain. Its going to take some time and I'm in no state to start trying...especially given the fact that I still think of ways to try end my life.

i tried telling myself that everything was going to be ok...

turns out i'm just destroying my life...piece by piece...

help me

i don't know what's wrong...

i was talking to my aunty today on facebook. she had asked me what had happened with me and my job. i told her what had happened and it upset me...but when she tried to lecture me about not getting a loan and all this other bullshit it really starts to hack me off. not only that, but when caitlin text me to say she was on break and i replied...not getting an answer, that just upset me.

my day has been shit and adding this crap, it made me feel a whole lot worse about myself and my situation. its not my aunty's place to lecture me about my finances. its my buisness. i know she's trying to help, but when everyone is pointing out all the mistakes in my life, it really starts to hurt. especially when caitlin does it. that's because she's the one earning, she's the one who, till my loan is sorted, will be supporting not only herself, but me.

i hate that i'm so uselss. so what does aimee the smart whore do?

i cry, i let it build up and then i break my promise to caitlin. i dismantle my razor and i slit my wrists. i hate myself for being so stupid. i'm trying to put those bad ways behind me, but i can't...i just can't. everything is coming back to haunt me and i don't know what to fucking do about it.

i need help. either that, or this is goodbye...forever....



</3

Munching on my chocolate...only 5 minutes before hand had you claimed you didn't want anymore.

Gotta love you, Cait, we really do. :)



i'm sitting here trying to tell myself that

everything is going to be ok

I hate myself when I think about how I have hurt you. I try telling myself that I'm not my dad; that I'm not an abusive bastard (well, bitch in my case). I look at you when I'm angry. You know I don't feel anything when I'm that far gone.

When I'm angry, I try to feel the love that I'm feeling for you now. I try to hold myself back from doing what my mind is telling me...but I can't. I'm the same asshole my dad was, and I have a formal warning that has been issued by the police to prove it too.

I've grabbed you forcefully; I've crushed what I could; I've put my hands on your throat. I've also thrown words your way that you dont deserve...you're not a stupid skank, and I want you to forget that I ever called you that.

I'm sorry for how I've treated you...I've treated you like shit. In my eyes, you're beautiful, and when I look and see you, sad, upset and hurt, it kills me a little on the inside.

Baby, I love you with everything. I'm just not good enough for you. You should push me away while you still can. But you don't...you can't, can you?

Please let me try fix it. I promise I'll be better. I promise to never hurt you like that again. I promise I won't run away. And I promise to never leave you.

I love you, sweetie...so fucking much. xoxox

MINE

When I sit alone, I'm left to drown myself in my thoughts...

...how I should have been a better child and did what I was told...

...how the abuse changed who I am...

...how I've fucked up so many oppourtunities that have come my way...

...how my physical appearance has been distorted by what I have done...

...how alone I feel...

...how I want someone at that point, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok...


I don't like my thoughts, they make me miserable...there's only a little bit of light at the end of my tunnel...

...And all I know is that it's worth sticking around for...

I'm scared...

...I'm scared that I'm never going to find a new job...

...I'm scared that she'll leave me...

...I'm scared that I will just give up...

I'm on a self destructive path...

...I'm scared that I'll lose everything I've ever cared about...

...and I'm scared that I'll be the one to end myself...

R.I.P.

We went to school together, played netball together, talked...and now that I think about it, you were a good mate...it's weird to think about you now...you're gone...I've never had anyone I know (or understood about) pass away....

Take care up there, girl...

xoxox

"Well it's better than calling her the whore I think she is..."

I am smiling today. Don't ask why...all I know is I am happy. Life has handed me a beautiful day today and I'm going to make the most of it.

I LOVE YOU

<3

"Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you...

...and now it chills me to the bone, how

 do I get you alone?"

I'm failing my course...I am unemployed...Barely making the rent for the week...
I'm so stressed and needing something to take my mind off  it...
I'm continuously having really dark thoughts...ones that I try so hard to keep pushed to the back of my mind where they will stay and not cause me, or anyone else for that matter, any kind of pain...

"So I take my time, gliding a blade down the line, each cut closer to the vein..."

My mind is so fucked up...I need help...professional help...but they can all suck my balls because they've been trained to tell stupid suck up stories to those who are actually suffering from what may actually be haunting them on the inside. Well, those have been my many experiences with them...the stupid fuckers.
I know I need the help, but I'm not ready to spend the money listening to assholes, but at the same time, I need a change in who I tell my problems to. Unfortunately, I have no one apart from my friend that lives with me.
I turned to OUR ex...yes, OUR ex. That wasn't the best idea as I felt as though she didn't understand that I actually need different people to talk to, but then again, going to our ex wasn't exactly the best person to turn to...I don't know why I turn to him. He fucked me around so bad...and I was never truly attracted to him...I used him...to try get over her...but oh well...

"Keep holding on, 'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through...Just stay strong, 'cause you know I'm here for you, here for you..."

I still need you baby, but at the moment, I can't tell you everything because I feel that it will strain what we have...and as we both know, I don't have the greatest self control. I'm so sorry. I love you.

"I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round; And I just wanted to say I'm sorry..."

FML!

Seriosuly!! Fuck my life...

I'm so pissed off at everything...I'm screwing up...I'm so down...

I wanna make things right...I don't want to be such a moody bitch...

I've been thinking I need to push her away...like now...

But I promised I wouldn't...

I need her more than ever...

I love her...

Help Me, Baby...Help Me...