Yeah

and that's why I smile

It's been a while

since every day and everything has

felt this right

and now you're turning all around

and suddenly you're all I need

The reason why I smile

I feel awful...I can never say or do the right things. I treat you like shit and its not fair. I hate it. 
I got upset because you didn't wave...how pathetic, right?
I love you and I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done :(

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily..."

-Napoléon Bonaparte

"...Don't know, don't know if I can do this on my own
Why do you have to leave me?
It seems I'm losing something deep inside of me
Hold on, hold onto me

Now I see, now I see

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK

It feels like nothing really matters anymore
When you're gone I can't breathe
And I know you never meant to make me feel this way
This can't be happening to me

Now I see, now I see

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK
Lalalala

So many questions, so much on my mind
So many answers I can't find
I wish that I could turn back the time
I wonder why

Everybody hurts some days
Everybody hurts some days

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK
Lalalalala that's OK

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everbody hurts some days 
But we all feel OK
Everybody feels this way
But it'll be OK
Can somebody take me away
To a better place
Everybody feels this way
It's OK

It's OK, ladadada it's ok
Lalalala, it's OK..."

Fake Orgasms...I caught you! How many have you faked?

D) All of the above?

Why Would She Fake It?

There are a number of reasons why a woman would fake an orgasm. The first is simply that she doesn’t want to hurt you ego when you’re unable to satisfy her in the sack – that’s right, she finds it easier to writhe around in pretend pleasure than tell you where you’re going wrong!

Alcohol can also cause women to fake orgasms – yes it lowers inhibitions but it also makes sexual arousal less achievable. And if the sex is with a new partner, she may decide to fake it when she realises the earth isn’t going to move for her, rather than risk him feeling inadequate.

Some men have unrealistic expectations and put pressure on their partners to come every time they have sex – and while feeling pressured isn’t likely to bring on the ‘big O’ (women need to be relaxed to climax) it is likely to awaken her inner actress!

Warning Signs

So how can you tell if your partner is faking it? It’s actually surprisingly difficult to tell the real thing from the imposter – but there are some tell-tale signs to look out for.

It’s probably not escaped your attention that when women are turned on they become moist down there – and a woman cannot fake that. So, if when you touch or kiss between her legs it’s bone dry - you can assume that she’s not turned on. If she’s making all of the right noises, it’s likely she is trying to speed up the sex and escape from your bed as quickly as possible.

If her orgasm comes right out of the blue and she seems to overact (you barely even got into your groove before she was screaming and moaning) then you’re either extremely talented or the chances are, you didn’t really rock her world.

As a women rides on the crest of an orgasm, a number of things happen that she can’t control; her breathing and heart rate increase, her body temperature rises, she might become flushed in the cheeks and on the chest, her nipples become erect, the clitoris swells, the lips of the vagina darken in colour as they are engorged with blood, and she loses control (hence the orgasm face). As she comes you may even be able to feel her vagina contracting around your penis. If, however, she remained cool, calm and collected throughout, and didn’t even break a sweat, it’s likely that you are in the presence of an actress!

There are also signs directly after the climax - women usually look slightly dazzled after a knee trembler and will want to stay close and cuddle or fall asleep – so if she jumps right out of bed and starts cooking, cleaning or watching her favourite TV show, there’s a good chance that what you witnessed wasn’t the real deal.

So what should you do if you suspect that your partner is faking it? Open up the communication airwaves. Don’t accuse her of anything but try to find out if she fakes her orgasms with you and if she does, why. Let her know that she doesn’t have to do that and that you want her to get as much pleasure from your sexual relationship as you do. Tell her that you are willing to learn how to please her and admit that you realise that she won’t climax every time you have sex. Honesty is the best policy – otherwise how are you supposed to know if the sex is on fire or if she is just puffing smoke?

"Keep calm and 

...Carry on..."

God. My paranoia can get the best of me sometimes. I hate it. 

I've calmed down...for now at least...

I just hate Sundays. I don't wanna lose you baby.

I wanna be with you and I don't wanna be with you.
I get paranoid and I'm pathetic. I don't know how you cope with me...all I know is that I can't handle myself.
I've been cheated before and I know you say that you can't do it to me, but 'Once a cheater, Always a cheater.'


You defend him and openly admitted you flirt with him...Flirting turns to flattery, and flattery means you will fall for him. One way or another, you will more than likely end up with him. And you know what, I don't care anymore. I'm numb to it at the moment. 


You don't want me. As people have discussed before, you are needy....you NEED a relationship to feel secure. You can't stay single for long....


My mind is screaming at me to leave you...to make everything stop hurting. My mind is being rational. But my heart...my heart is telling me that you are the only thing that matters to me. My heart is the irrational one, and me listening to my heart is what gets me hurt all the time....


Maybe it's time to listen to my mind.....

what the fuck, man?
so, you start saying hi and all this shit and staring...AGAIN! seriously!!?? if your interested in him, leave me!
like i told, you, i'd rather you didn't lead me on...

"Haha that lasted so long... Not. Shes back to staring and saying hello like Shes happy to see me. I don't know why she bothers...

She was staring at me while I was unloading the truck yesterday and then said hi Alex with a smile and a wave like when her and I were together..."

I hate it...I hate not having a job...
I hate sitting at home...
I hate not having anyone to talk to...
I hate that I'm the one lumped with ALL the housework (minus one room) for an inspection tomorrow...


I can't handle it...
I wanna get out and do something with myself... 
I don't wanna turn into the housewife...


But now that I think about it...
I will still be the one doing all that stuff...
Everyday in the week...you will be busy...
You'll be working and you'll be studying...you'll have homework...


I'll be working...and I'll still be doing all the other shit...


Fuck my goddamned motherfucking life...
I hate living this way!
It was so much easier when I worked at New World...


I want comfort...
I don't want the stress...
I don't want anything anymore...
]
I couldn't care less about anyone or anything anymore... 




D:

I found this photo and I realise how much I’ve grown up since I’ve left home.

Ok, admittedly, I haven’t been making the right choices, but if theres one thing I’ve changed, it’s how much I love and appreciate my little sis :)

I thought that I used to hate her, but now I look back, and hear her complaints about my parents, and they’re exactly the same as what mine were. I feel sorry for her, and now that I don’t have her around, I feel lonely.; like there’s a part of me missing.

I really would love to see you again, Olivia.

I love you so much!

XOXOXOX

Today must be the best day ever!

1. Student loan approved.

2. McDonalds job interview, 2:30pm tomorrow.

3. Dentist job interview, 1:30pm tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about it. Next thing you know, I'll have a new job and won't be sitting at home doing nothing all day. Will be good. I think I'd prefer the job at the dentist as I reckon it would look better on a C.V. than working at a fast food joint. It would also give me insight as to what dentistry is like...seeing as I've always like things along the lines of medicine...might be interesting...

Anyway, I'm just hoping that I have some good chances...

Fingers crossed :D

As I feel one thing lifted off my shoulders, another presents itself...

Student loan has been restarted so that takes care of the financial situation...however, she has just started study...and I can't quite get the images of her finding someone, bringing the back to our place and her fucking them on our bed, out of my head...

It hurts..and I should be able to trust her..But this is my only worry...and I want to stop worrying :(

I decided that maybe I should set myself some goals for the short term.


So between now and my birthday (17 Oct):


1. I want to have a full time job.
2. I want to have my learners.
3. I want to have started paying back my student loan.
4. I want to have started paying Caitlin back.
5. I want to have made a dent in my NCEA study.
6. Be on speaking terms with my parents.


In the long term (so between now and 31 Dec):


1. Sit at about 75 - 80kg again. (100kg is too much!)
2. Have finished NCEA Level 2.
3. Have planned a career path.
4. Be preparing to move out of this shit arsed thing called a flat.
5. (hopeful much?) Still want to be with my baby <3

I should really start writing some more, but I have no fucking clue what to write about these days.
Its the same old, same old...however, I am stressing a little...well...A HELL OF A LOT MORE since I found out that Caitlin doesn't have two weeks before her course starts...she has a mere 5 DAYS!
My god. This has put me under so much pressure.
Everything has all been my fault. If I hadn't have quit my job in the fucking first place we wouldn't be in this mess. I hate it. I hate how I've screwed everything up. I just wish I could go back to the day that I quit...and perhaps...NOT have quit. But, sadly, I can't do that. There's no such thing as time travel and it sucks.


I want to change my life. I want to be a better person. Well, that's what I wanted to do this year anyway and instead, I've done exactly the opposite. I've made mistake upon mistake upon mistake and there's no way to change it.


I don't know how to be a better person. I just simply don't know how.


:(