wow...i made it to 100 posts...but i guess its not all that exciting when all my blogs seem to be rambling on about the same thing.

i just want a cuddle :(

I'm just going to put all my daily challenges into one day...I have several to catch up on...


Day 11. Would I rather be stranded on a desert island with someone I loved for 10 years or someone I hated for a month?


I really don't know. I wouldn't want to be the want to be the weak one if it was someone that I hated, but I wouldn't want to risk losing the one I loved. It's hard. Maybe one month with the person I hated. But I don't think that I'm going to get stranded on a desert island anytime soon :)


Day 12. Something I'm worried about?


Finance. I'm not making enough money to support myself and Caitlin and I are looking at moving into a new flat. I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold up my end :(


Day 13. Not Applicable.


Day 14. Something that I do that is disgusting.


Well, it something I did when I was a kid and I was never able to get myself out of the habit. But I really, really don't want to say what it is, because it is really embarrassing.


Day 15. Lyrics that apply to my current situation.


**Cause on a street, or under the covers, we're stuck like two pieces of velcro. At the park, in the back of my car, it don't matter what I do, no, I can't keep my hands off you**


Day 16. A drunken story.


The night I got shitty with my parents and I left the house at, like, midnight and I went to Greg's house. And we drank. And he was sooooo sleazy. At we started hooking up, and next thing you know, I'm down on my knees sucking him off. And we some how made it to his room, and think we did weed. And we 69ed and all that. I titty fucked him :/ and hahahaha. It was a good night. My mother thought I had been raped when she saw the hickey's on my neck.


Day 17. Something I regret.


The person I lost my virginity too. He was the biggest mistake of my life. But at the same time, he was a good friend.


Day 18. To do list.

• Top up phone.
• Save $70 for Caitlin's ring.
• Ring the specialist.
• Get a new job.
• Clean house.
• Move to new place.
• Make it to 1 year with my gorgeous. xoxox

i guess i'm going to have to apologise. i was told that you do actually like me and that i was just reading too far into that blog. i don't know. maybe i was. i guess it's just because you have the life that i always wanted and i'm trying to find every reason to pull you down.
i hate how you judged me. i hate how you think i would go as far to break someone like that. yea, you've seen me angry, and yea, you're entitled to your own opinions, but to post them on an internet blog for everyone to read is a bit harsh. yea, i stooped to your level, and slandered you, and hated you...and now i really wish i could take it all back. you've never done anything to cross me...never, and i return one opinion like this?
i'm sorry :(
i don't even know if you're going to read this...ever, but if you do, just try understand for me.

thank you :(

DAY 10 - ONE THING THAT I HAVE LIED ABOUT

I HAVE LIED ABOUT MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE. BUT THERE IS ONE THING THAT I HAVE BEEN KEEPING TO MYSELF FOR YEARS. ITS SOMETHING I CAN'T EVEN TELL ON THIS...CAITLIN IS THE ONLY ONE THAT I HAVE TOLD. I'M SO ASHAMED BY IT.

I CAN'T SAY.

day 9: something that makes me sad when i think about it

the future. i hate thinking about the future. i live in the moment and to think about losing someone i love now just sucks. whether it be losing caitlin, or whether it be my grandad passing away...i just don't like thinking about what's going to happen...

day 8: my last night out, in detail.

i honestly haven't been out in a long time. when they say 'out' do they mean drinks and what not?

if so, then my last night out was midway through december last year. i went out drinking in the middle of the night in the rain with alex. i liked that night. we let off fireworks too. if i remember rightly, he tried having sex with me on the hill...until i told him that i had my period...which i didn't. he gave me his jacket when i started shivering.

:)

Day 7: Things I like/don't like about the way I look.


There is nothing that I really like about my appearance. I have gained so much weight over the year, I can't even look at myself in a mirror. It's disgusting.
There only one thing I really like about my look, and that my eyes and nose. But even then, they're disgusting.

Day 6: How I would spend $10,000.

I think I would probably hit up the sex shops ;)

Then maybe a new phone. Pay back everyone I owe money.

Find a new place to live. And try getting another $10K lol.

Day 5: The weird things I do when I'm alone.


Hahaha. I like to watch porn ;) I don't care what you think, it's what I like to do.
I like to play computer games, in particular, I like to play role playing games and I like to write fanfiction.

Day 4: The best thing that has happened to me this week.


I got to spend an amazing two days at home curled up with Cait just watching movies.
I loved it so much. Haven't had a day like that in a looooong time.

I'm being really lazy with this thing...I think I might just do the 3 days I've missed out on, just because.


Day 3: 5 things that irritate me about the same or opposite sex.


I really don't know...there are different things that annoy me. I just I'll do what irritates me the most about the opposite sex.
1. Morning wood.
2. Unshaven-ness.
3. The fact that they have a yucky dangly thing between their legs.
4. They try to hit on your girl.
5. They probably want to stick their dangly bit in my girl.


UGH!!!!!!!

Day 2: A famous person that I have been compared to.


In all honesty, I don't think I have been compared to anyone famous before. I've been told I have hair like Hermione Granger in the first two films, but that's about it.

Day 1: A person I like and why I like them.

Caitlin :)

I like her because she is, not only my best friend, but she is also my girlfriend.

She has done some such amazing stuff for me over the last year, and I know that I owe her so much. She is beautiful and I don't wanna ever let her go.

We have some great times together, and even though we may have arguments, we always end up curled up in bed at the end of the day.

She means the world to me :)

I love you, my gorgeous :) xoxox

I've seen these around and I've always thought about how I would like to try do one.

i heard shits going down between you guys...
nasty blog posts...being attacked...you know how i feel...this is aimed at me...


[copied and pasted]


i can't stand this any longer. i think the only person who knows how it really is apart from yourselves, is me. you two can't be together, you can't say you're together when you're tearing each other apart like that. i don't know what it is, there's no way that's love when your hitting, punching and smashing each others heads against walls. living together is fucking you up. i'm so sick of hearing about the abuse, it sickens me. there's a reason i stopped staying there, i don't want to see it, and it's bad enough that i have to hear about it. it has to stop, before one of you kills each other, and i'm being serious. you act like 5 year olds, and you're older than me, for fuck's sake. i hate seeing you like this, because you're both such beautiful people, but you need to get out of it. sort yourselves out. when she broke her elbow the first thing i thought of was that you did it, in a fight. i still somehow don't believe she just fell, knowing what i know about how you are, but i'll never be sure. i'm not surprised how things have turned out from the way we were brought up, because for fuck's sake she's my own fucking sister, i know her inside out, and i love her to bits, but she's too fucking much like our mother for her own good.

I guess I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused...

And I'm sorry for the pain I'm still causing.

I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite.

I'm sorry I'm judgmental.

I'm sorry I'm pathetic...

And I'm sorry for being a part of your life.

I wish I could stop life.

I wish I could take it back to a time we were both happy.

I wish I could meet that girl again...

And I wish we could make changes for the best.

I know you'll probably never read this.

I know you probably won't understand.

I know how much I've hurt you...

And I understand if you never want to speak to me again.

I've made a decision.

I've decided that I will break a promise.

I'm going to break my no self harm rule...

For every mark I have caused on you, I will harm myself...

It will teach me a lesson.

I hope you don't hate me for this.

I feel it is the only way.

The only way I can keep my anger down...

I'm the one who gets hurt...

Not you.

Q. What does sex mean to you?


A. Sex to me is bringing myself closer to my significant other. I like the closeness and the trust that we can have. Sex is also about enjoying what another person wants to do to you, eg: pleasure.


Q. What does sex mean to you?


A. Sex to me is a chore. I have been screwed around for years that the thought of someone using me for their own pleasure is disgusting. I don't like sex much anymore, and although I seem to have a pretty decent partner, I just can't seem to want it for her.


Q. Do you find yourself sexually attracted to your significant other?


A. Yes! Of course I do. I love her so much, I just wish she could trust me. I wish I could change how she views all of this. I've been with her before, but sometimes we just seem to drift apart...like she doesn't want me anymore.


Q. Do you find yourself sexually attracted to your significant other?


A. I'm really not sure. I'm not sure whether a female partner is for me.






**The blue text are my own thoughts on my situation at the moment.

<3 this photo

makes me

smile :)

i feel so lonely right now...
:(
i always get ditched...
i never ditch you...
i know you had valid reasons, but i hate being apart from you...
i hate not having anyone...
i hate that i know you're not coming home tonight...


:(

why can't you tell if I'm fooling around or not...

i'm not sure what is wrong anymore...
i've been so upset lately...crying for no apparent reason...
:(


at least i know that there's always going to be someone there for me...
and even though i've been pushing her away lately, yelling and screaming...it's been the only way i've been able to calm myself down...


it's either that, or my wrists get it...and i've been trying so hard to stay clean...


i care about you, baby and i'm sorry for everything lately :(

i dont even know if i want you anymore

I just don't get it anymore...

I feel sad, lonely, angry...

I have so many mixed feelings...

And it's hurting 

am i like, human repellent or so something?

you barely come near me now...

what's up with you...? it would kinda be nice to know...

so you can't have sex with me now because...you're "not ready"...

sucks for me...

and fucking disappointing when you tell me that i could potentially get some...to turn around a few hours later and say "no"...seriously, don't get my hopes up to just bring them straight back down again...

i've respected you so far...and it's not like your idea of sex is really even sex...i like sex because i can connect to someone i care about...but sex with you just feels like its a chore...there's no emotion, no passion...no nothing...that's what i want back...

our relationship is just a friendship with the added bonus of hugs and on occasion, kisses...

it doesn't help either, that when i tell you earlier, "i'm going to get myself off in the shower later", it doesn't help when you walk in just as i'm about to get there...it tuns me off...i hate it...

you won't have sex with me, nor will you let me even get myself off...

it sucks...maybe being 'gay' just doesn't cut it for you...you only use me for all your emotional support...you don't love me like i love you...you never have and never will...

so why do you stay around and fuck with me....or 'not' fuck with me...either way, it sucks....

fine...fuck you too...
just seems like you dont want me anymore...
tell me...and leave

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz

i generally have a lot on my mind...whether people choose to believe it or not...and there's one thing that's been bugging me for a while...

alex.

yea, that fat, pin dicked ass hole....

caitlin came up to me the other day and mentioned how you came into the deli and asked paul (apparently very rudely) why she was working...why do you care? you say you don't want shit all to do with us...her in particular...

don't bother trying to win her back...i wouldn't think she'd want to go back to you...but then again, i'm not so sure...

why were you all funny around me the other night? why did you stare (and at who) when cait and i walked out...

i keep wondering if the time we were together was just a joke...to be honest, i don't really care...you were more of a mate than anything, but i mean, when we started hanging out, you were still fooling around with her...but she wasn't giving you what you wanted...so you targeted me instead...you had only one thing in mind when you got with me...and his name is tiny...

you were substituting what you really wanted with me...and that's disgusting...the thought of your name to me now just makes me want to be sick...

sometimes i wonder if we can ever be friends again...i liked us being friends...going out, playing pool having a laugh...but when i actually think about it, you're probably just using me to get close to her again...so lay the fuck off, ok. she's mine now. you've had more than your fair share...

69






for the 69th blog 

so i'm assuming that you have worked out we're together...took you seven months...

but why do you have to be so weird and awkward about it all?

i try treat her well. i try make up for all the mistakes i've made. can't you be happy for her?

she tells me that i make her the happiest she's been in a while...

and you just can't accept a girl-on-girl relationship...

its not like we have a great deal of sex anyway, its more of an emotional relationship...

i wish you could read my blogs...to know how i feel about her...to know that the mistakes i've made, i dont take lightly...

i care about your daughter so fucking much...

i don't wanna lose her...she makes me happy...she gives me a reason to live my life...she's been so amazing to me...supported me when i needed it...given me a shoulder to cry on...been the one i've vented to...

she completes me and i wish you could see it....

but that's alright...

not like you care...

rEiGnItInG tHe SpArK

isn't it beautiful?

i haven't blogged in ages...and quite a bit seems to have changed...i think?
for one, i'm that much closer to turning 18!!! i finally have a job...and at maccas none the less, but hey, i'm enjoying it and it pays for everything...and the best part of everything?? i've been with my gorgeous for nearly 7 months now!! :)


ahh, things are finally looking up in life...still need to get my licence and stuff...but i don't think i'm ready yet...i just dont want to feel like i'm letting my mum down with not using those free lessons...but i really dont feel ready....




oh well....

That time it snowed in Wellington...

...well, it was pretty gay...

...the snow in Lower Hutt didn't settle...

Yeah

and that's why I smile

It's been a while

since every day and everything has

felt this right

and now you're turning all around

and suddenly you're all I need

The reason why I smile

I feel awful...I can never say or do the right things. I treat you like shit and its not fair. I hate it. 
I got upset because you didn't wave...how pathetic, right?
I love you and I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done :(

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily..."

-Napoléon Bonaparte

"...Don't know, don't know if I can do this on my own
Why do you have to leave me?
It seems I'm losing something deep inside of me
Hold on, hold onto me

Now I see, now I see

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK

It feels like nothing really matters anymore
When you're gone I can't breathe
And I know you never meant to make me feel this way
This can't be happening to me

Now I see, now I see

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK
Lalalala

So many questions, so much on my mind
So many answers I can't find
I wish that I could turn back the time
I wonder why

Everybody hurts some days
Everybody hurts some days

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everybody hurts, everybody screams
Everybody feels this way and that's ok

Ladadadada that's OK
Lalalalala that's OK

Everybody hurts some days
It's OK to be afraid
Everbody hurts some days 
But we all feel OK
Everybody feels this way
But it'll be OK
Can somebody take me away
To a better place
Everybody feels this way
It's OK

It's OK, ladadada it's ok
Lalalala, it's OK..."

Fake Orgasms...I caught you! How many have you faked?

D) All of the above?

Why Would She Fake It?

There are a number of reasons why a woman would fake an orgasm. The first is simply that she doesn’t want to hurt you ego when you’re unable to satisfy her in the sack – that’s right, she finds it easier to writhe around in pretend pleasure than tell you where you’re going wrong!

Alcohol can also cause women to fake orgasms – yes it lowers inhibitions but it also makes sexual arousal less achievable. And if the sex is with a new partner, she may decide to fake it when she realises the earth isn’t going to move for her, rather than risk him feeling inadequate.

Some men have unrealistic expectations and put pressure on their partners to come every time they have sex – and while feeling pressured isn’t likely to bring on the ‘big O’ (women need to be relaxed to climax) it is likely to awaken her inner actress!

Warning Signs

So how can you tell if your partner is faking it? It’s actually surprisingly difficult to tell the real thing from the imposter – but there are some tell-tale signs to look out for.

It’s probably not escaped your attention that when women are turned on they become moist down there – and a woman cannot fake that. So, if when you touch or kiss between her legs it’s bone dry - you can assume that she’s not turned on. If she’s making all of the right noises, it’s likely she is trying to speed up the sex and escape from your bed as quickly as possible.

If her orgasm comes right out of the blue and she seems to overact (you barely even got into your groove before she was screaming and moaning) then you’re either extremely talented or the chances are, you didn’t really rock her world.

As a women rides on the crest of an orgasm, a number of things happen that she can’t control; her breathing and heart rate increase, her body temperature rises, she might become flushed in the cheeks and on the chest, her nipples become erect, the clitoris swells, the lips of the vagina darken in colour as they are engorged with blood, and she loses control (hence the orgasm face). As she comes you may even be able to feel her vagina contracting around your penis. If, however, she remained cool, calm and collected throughout, and didn’t even break a sweat, it’s likely that you are in the presence of an actress!

There are also signs directly after the climax - women usually look slightly dazzled after a knee trembler and will want to stay close and cuddle or fall asleep – so if she jumps right out of bed and starts cooking, cleaning or watching her favourite TV show, there’s a good chance that what you witnessed wasn’t the real deal.

So what should you do if you suspect that your partner is faking it? Open up the communication airwaves. Don’t accuse her of anything but try to find out if she fakes her orgasms with you and if she does, why. Let her know that she doesn’t have to do that and that you want her to get as much pleasure from your sexual relationship as you do. Tell her that you are willing to learn how to please her and admit that you realise that she won’t climax every time you have sex. Honesty is the best policy – otherwise how are you supposed to know if the sex is on fire or if she is just puffing smoke?

"Keep calm and 

...Carry on..."

God. My paranoia can get the best of me sometimes. I hate it. 

I've calmed down...for now at least...

I just hate Sundays. I don't wanna lose you baby.

I wanna be with you and I don't wanna be with you.
I get paranoid and I'm pathetic. I don't know how you cope with me...all I know is that I can't handle myself.
I've been cheated before and I know you say that you can't do it to me, but 'Once a cheater, Always a cheater.'


You defend him and openly admitted you flirt with him...Flirting turns to flattery, and flattery means you will fall for him. One way or another, you will more than likely end up with him. And you know what, I don't care anymore. I'm numb to it at the moment. 


You don't want me. As people have discussed before, you are needy....you NEED a relationship to feel secure. You can't stay single for long....


My mind is screaming at me to leave you...to make everything stop hurting. My mind is being rational. But my heart...my heart is telling me that you are the only thing that matters to me. My heart is the irrational one, and me listening to my heart is what gets me hurt all the time....


Maybe it's time to listen to my mind.....

what the fuck, man?
so, you start saying hi and all this shit and staring...AGAIN! seriously!!?? if your interested in him, leave me!
like i told, you, i'd rather you didn't lead me on...

"Haha that lasted so long... Not. Shes back to staring and saying hello like Shes happy to see me. I don't know why she bothers...

She was staring at me while I was unloading the truck yesterday and then said hi Alex with a smile and a wave like when her and I were together..."

I hate it...I hate not having a job...
I hate sitting at home...
I hate not having anyone to talk to...
I hate that I'm the one lumped with ALL the housework (minus one room) for an inspection tomorrow...


I can't handle it...
I wanna get out and do something with myself... 
I don't wanna turn into the housewife...


But now that I think about it...
I will still be the one doing all that stuff...
Everyday in the week...you will be busy...
You'll be working and you'll be studying...you'll have homework...


I'll be working...and I'll still be doing all the other shit...


Fuck my goddamned motherfucking life...
I hate living this way!
It was so much easier when I worked at New World...


I want comfort...
I don't want the stress...
I don't want anything anymore...
]
I couldn't care less about anyone or anything anymore... 




D:

I found this photo and I realise how much I’ve grown up since I’ve left home.

Ok, admittedly, I haven’t been making the right choices, but if theres one thing I’ve changed, it’s how much I love and appreciate my little sis :)

I thought that I used to hate her, but now I look back, and hear her complaints about my parents, and they’re exactly the same as what mine were. I feel sorry for her, and now that I don’t have her around, I feel lonely.; like there’s a part of me missing.

I really would love to see you again, Olivia.

I love you so much!

XOXOXOX

Today must be the best day ever!

1. Student loan approved.

2. McDonalds job interview, 2:30pm tomorrow.

3. Dentist job interview, 1:30pm tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about it. Next thing you know, I'll have a new job and won't be sitting at home doing nothing all day. Will be good. I think I'd prefer the job at the dentist as I reckon it would look better on a C.V. than working at a fast food joint. It would also give me insight as to what dentistry is like...seeing as I've always like things along the lines of medicine...might be interesting...

Anyway, I'm just hoping that I have some good chances...

Fingers crossed :D

As I feel one thing lifted off my shoulders, another presents itself...

Student loan has been restarted so that takes care of the financial situation...however, she has just started study...and I can't quite get the images of her finding someone, bringing the back to our place and her fucking them on our bed, out of my head...

It hurts..and I should be able to trust her..But this is my only worry...and I want to stop worrying :(

I decided that maybe I should set myself some goals for the short term.


So between now and my birthday (17 Oct):


1. I want to have a full time job.
2. I want to have my learners.
3. I want to have started paying back my student loan.
4. I want to have started paying Caitlin back.
5. I want to have made a dent in my NCEA study.
6. Be on speaking terms with my parents.


In the long term (so between now and 31 Dec):


1. Sit at about 75 - 80kg again. (100kg is too much!)
2. Have finished NCEA Level 2.
3. Have planned a career path.
4. Be preparing to move out of this shit arsed thing called a flat.
5. (hopeful much?) Still want to be with my baby <3