I've just realised that...I don't have anyone in my life except caitlin...
and I have nothing to do during the day...
I'm so lonely...and I hate it :(
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I'm all smiles :)
The last few days have been really good and have given me a really great feeling...just about everything.
I feel like I'm happier and can look forward to the next day again.
Mainly thanks to you, my darling. Our talk the other night makes me appreciate you a hell of a lot more because you've actually opened up to me and I understand what you're feeling. I just can't wait till you come home from work etc. Most of the time, I just wanna run to you. I don't wanna wait.
I'm just so happy :)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I sit here on my own, and I wonder.
I wonder whether you really want me.
I wonder whether you're actually becoming attracted to me.
I wonder why you waste your time on me.
I'm a pathetic nothing.
I don't know. I feel as though we are drifting, and you know one of my problems is sex. I'm sorry, but you know it is, and I can't say it to you cause it's too hard. But, what's changed?
Why was it, when we weren't "together", you would go out of your way...and now you're claiming to not enjoy it?
The other night "you know I don't like sex..."...Next morning, you want it?? Seriously? If you just wanna screw with me, end everything now. Save me the suffering and just break me now.
Its not just the sex. Its the petty arguments we have too. I know I start fights, as do you. But why, why do you push me so far. Do you test me to see how well I can restrain myself? You seem to intentionally push (even when I've been the one to start the argument) and I just lose it. I lose it to the point I hurt myself.
I hate it when it happens and I just need to get it off my chest. But why can't you just leave me so we can both be safe?
I know the world would be a better place without me.
I'm just writing crap now...I don't even know what I've said.
I just hope I don't offend you too much when you read this.
I still love you...
Part of me just wants you to break my heart right now.
I wonder whether you really want me.
I wonder whether you're actually becoming attracted to me.
I wonder why you waste your time on me.
I'm a pathetic nothing.
I don't know. I feel as though we are drifting, and you know one of my problems is sex. I'm sorry, but you know it is, and I can't say it to you cause it's too hard. But, what's changed?
Why was it, when we weren't "together", you would go out of your way...and now you're claiming to not enjoy it?
The other night "you know I don't like sex..."...Next morning, you want it?? Seriously? If you just wanna screw with me, end everything now. Save me the suffering and just break me now.
Its not just the sex. Its the petty arguments we have too. I know I start fights, as do you. But why, why do you push me so far. Do you test me to see how well I can restrain myself? You seem to intentionally push (even when I've been the one to start the argument) and I just lose it. I lose it to the point I hurt myself.
I hate it when it happens and I just need to get it off my chest. But why can't you just leave me so we can both be safe?
I know the world would be a better place without me.
I'm just writing crap now...I don't even know what I've said.
I just hope I don't offend you too much when you read this.
I still love you...
Part of me just wants you to break my heart right now.
Monday, June 13, 2011
It's just dawned on me, that while you two are sitting there on the phone, that I haven't really got to live my life at all.
I haven't had the experience of breaking all the rules...I haven't been out to parties, I've barely drank, never done drugs...NEVER! And now that I'm socially retarded I don't have the opportunity to go out and do that sorta shit.
I've had one, one night stand; I've drank maybe 5 times; I haven't/don't recall ever doing drugs and I've only driven once without a liscence. It sucks, because I turn 18 soon and I wanna do all the things that everyone else is doing.
Yeah, some people wouldn't call it living, but I don't wanna sit by and miss out on the things you have probably done just because "I don't drink," etc...I hate it.
Oh well, my pathetic rants are over and its nto going to change anything...so I guess I just gotta keep growing up...cause it seems as though its all I'm allowed to do.
Friday, June 10, 2011
i've been completely disowned by my family.
my mother doesn't give a shit that i disloacted my toes last night (well, honestly who would...? but thats not my point)...she's trying to dictate my sisters life by telling her to block me on the internet site we use to communticate, and then she wonders why i call up wanting to talk to her...
its not fair...
yea i wasnt the best kid...but hey, was i ever??
i havent just taken all the help and thrown it back in your face...ive used it to survive...used it to try get myself a new job...used it to try straighten out my life...but yea, i've fucked that one up yet again...
i hate it...i hate myself...i hate life...
my mother doesn't give a shit that i disloacted my toes last night (well, honestly who would...? but thats not my point)...she's trying to dictate my sisters life by telling her to block me on the internet site we use to communticate, and then she wonders why i call up wanting to talk to her...
its not fair...
yea i wasnt the best kid...but hey, was i ever??
i havent just taken all the help and thrown it back in your face...ive used it to survive...used it to try get myself a new job...used it to try straighten out my life...but yea, i've fucked that one up yet again...
i hate it...i hate myself...i hate life...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The email I just got from dad. Yea, I know I keep fucking up my life. I know I'm going to be a complete failure when I "grow up"...if I grow up...But I don't need it to be thrown back in my face.
I hate it when you do it...its just as bad as someone turning around and going "I told you so."
You know what? FUCK YOU!
I HATE YOU!
I've just heard the astounding revelation today that not only have you quit your job but you have also quit WELTEC! In your response to Mum you state that you know she will not get her money back etc. Aimee, the thing you still do not seem to have grasped is that the $6,000 is your money as is the $100 per week you are currently getting. The only money that is being wasted is your money, but remember it is not a bottomless pit. It will run out. And every $ you spend now, will be a $ you don't have to put towards education in the future when you find something you are interested in.
Now, I would not bother calling Mum for the next few days at least. She is understandably extremely disappointed at being deceived by you for so long. Mum has put in a lot of effort in time and money to help you because she thought you were trying to do the right thing: sticking to WELTEC and trying to get a job. We both actually thought you were maturing and taking responsibility for making adult decisions. As it turns out, you have happily been taking Mum's help, demanding more, and you have been doing very little for yourself. Mum and I will talk over the next few days to discuss how we can best fulfill our parental responsibilities for the next 6 months, but rest assured returning home as a fall back is not going to be an option for you. Neither of us want you home, since it clearly appears that you have not matured one bit since you left school.
Since Caitlyn is clearly shouldering the bulk of the financial responsibility at the moment, I suggest you spend sometime reflecting on your decisions and your clear lack of responsibility for your actions. Perhaps start by tidying the pig sty you live in and get serious about life - it will leave you behind and Mum and I wont be there to pick up the pieces. You have been given every opportunity and so far you are throwing them all away...prove us wrong.
I hate it when you do it...its just as bad as someone turning around and going "I told you so."
You know what? FUCK YOU!
I HATE YOU!
I've just heard the astounding revelation today that not only have you quit your job but you have also quit WELTEC! In your response to Mum you state that you know she will not get her money back etc. Aimee, the thing you still do not seem to have grasped is that the $6,000 is your money as is the $100 per week you are currently getting. The only money that is being wasted is your money, but remember it is not a bottomless pit. It will run out. And every $ you spend now, will be a $ you don't have to put towards education in the future when you find something you are interested in.
Now, I would not bother calling Mum for the next few days at least. She is understandably extremely disappointed at being deceived by you for so long. Mum has put in a lot of effort in time and money to help you because she thought you were trying to do the right thing: sticking to WELTEC and trying to get a job. We both actually thought you were maturing and taking responsibility for making adult decisions. As it turns out, you have happily been taking Mum's help, demanding more, and you have been doing very little for yourself. Mum and I will talk over the next few days to discuss how we can best fulfill our parental responsibilities for the next 6 months, but rest assured returning home as a fall back is not going to be an option for you. Neither of us want you home, since it clearly appears that you have not matured one bit since you left school.
Since Caitlyn is clearly shouldering the bulk of the financial responsibility at the moment, I suggest you spend sometime reflecting on your decisions and your clear lack of responsibility for your actions. Perhaps start by tidying the pig sty you live in and get serious about life - it will leave you behind and Mum and I wont be there to pick up the pieces. You have been given every opportunity and so far you are throwing them all away...prove us wrong.
"You don't listen..."
Well she doesn't, and it really hacks me off.
She yells at me because the potatoes aren't cooked right, I simply just ignore her; not wanting to get into an argument.
She follows me through to my room, because she didn't get an answer.
I tell her to leave me alone, and that I'll be fine, but does she leave me alone? No.
I put my hands on her to get her off me, and she does it back to me. I ask her to leave me alone, but does she leave me alone? No.
It slowly escalates into something more than just a petty argument and I end up physically fighting her. I give in and fucking scream at her to let me go, to leave me alone, so I can stay away from the horrible bitch that she is. But, does she leave me alone? No.
Next thing you know, I'm pushed up against a wall, refusing to fight back (because, she's told me to try and control myself, so I do) and she's yelling all sorts of bullshit at me. The kind that was put to rest earlier.
"You fucked him in this house!"
"You're treating me like you treat your mother!"
"I'm the one paying for everything for you!"
Yea, well you know what? Fuck you. I didn't try fight back; the only fighting back that I did, was to try getting you out of my room, so I could be alone. So I could get away from you! You don't trust me to be alone, but seriously, you can't just leave me alone for 10 minutes!?
I know you don't get time to yourself these days, and I've offered to go out so you can take a break, but no. You have to spend every waking moment with me.
When I lock myself in my room like that, it's because I want time away from you...even if I have just spent the entire day without you.
I'm sorry, but it's true, and it's been bugging me. I just wish for once that you would listen to me. I always have to listen to you, do what you say, it’s all about you. I mean, I find it hard to complain when I'm sick because it just seems to me like you don't give a shit...and that hurts. I try so hard not to complain, only because to me, it seems 'out of line' and that I'm not high enough in the hierarchy to complain about that kinda shit.
Ah, fuck it. I can't be fucked rambling anymore.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I decided about 3 months ago that I'd fallen in love with you.
I can look back from where I am now, and tell myself that I wasn't naive for telling you it.
I've been thinking about you.
I've been thinking about how we met, and that from day one, even though you didn't like me from the start, that I'd fall for you. And I did. Within a week, I had a thing for you. Within a couple of months, I was obsessed and it didn't help that you had declared me your best friend. And within just a few more months, we were living together. Doing everything together.
I think about the nights we spent together; I think about all the texts we saved from each other; I think about how I hated it when you weren't with me; I think about how you hurt me when I asked you out. It's weird to think that we're with eachother now. We've been through so much.
I imagine your face when your not with me, and I smile, because I know in the end, you will come back home to me, snuggle up in bed, and fall asleep in my arms.
I guess I'm writing this because I know that I'm still falling...and I hope that you'll catch me just before I hit the bottom, just like you have every other time :)
Baby, I love you, and that's not about to change anytime soon.
xoxox
I can look back from where I am now, and tell myself that I wasn't naive for telling you it.
I've been thinking about you.
I've been thinking about how we met, and that from day one, even though you didn't like me from the start, that I'd fall for you. And I did. Within a week, I had a thing for you. Within a couple of months, I was obsessed and it didn't help that you had declared me your best friend. And within just a few more months, we were living together. Doing everything together.
I think about the nights we spent together; I think about all the texts we saved from each other; I think about how I hated it when you weren't with me; I think about how you hurt me when I asked you out. It's weird to think that we're with eachother now. We've been through so much.
I imagine your face when your not with me, and I smile, because I know in the end, you will come back home to me, snuggle up in bed, and fall asleep in my arms.
I guess I'm writing this because I know that I'm still falling...and I hope that you'll catch me just before I hit the bottom, just like you have every other time :)
Baby, I love you, and that's not about to change anytime soon.
xoxox
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I don't have a fucking clue to write these days.
I just want something epically amazing to happen so I can write. I enjoy writing, but I get bored when I can't think of anything TO write about.
Well, there is one thing on my mind. I want YOU to start writing more so I know what you're thinking. I'm not a fucking mind reader, but there are sometimes where I get the feeling there's more going on in that head of yours than what you let on. It frustrates me. I want you to be able to trust me...but obviously not...
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