I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared

I’m Scared



I’m Scared

I don't know anymore.

You told me when you left today, you didn't care how long I was on the phone talking to you, yet when you get to work and are on your break for like 5 minutes, you esentially tell me to bugger off...after you tell me HE is working. You're working today, so is he. You mention when you see him or anything that's to do with him...and you wonder why I have dreams about you running off with him?

I'm scared, and I don't want to lose you. I know your history and that's the only thing about you that I don't trust. I can't be sure that you won't 'get bored' and end up cheating.

I can't lose you. You are my world, and writing this at the moment, I can feel my heart aching because of the pain I know it would cause me.

I'm not telling you that I have no trust in you; I'm just saying that I'm scared and I know what you're like. 

♥

You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

♥

 

I'm scared; I'm alone; You're not here; I need you.

I know we need money, but on a day I've specifically taken off, you have gone and signed yourself up to work. I barely see you anymore and recently, if I have, there have been others around.

I want to find a fucking job so we can do things, so we can afford to live, so we don't have to work as hard. But I fucked up really bad and now I'm suffering from the consequences.

I also know that you need time to yourself and I'm sorry I'm just a pain in your arse. I hate myslef for all the wrongs I've done recently. Its building up inside me and I just can't take it anymore.

I sometimes wonder how you would react, walking in on my dead body. I wonder what you'd feel. I always question whether you actually care and if I should listen to you telling me its going to be okay. Because, in my eyes, it's not going to be okay. I have all these horrible thoughts running through my mind, that I can very rarely see the positive in anything these days.

I want to go away for a while, take a break from life and not have to worry about anything, but I screwed up so the chances of this great get away are minimal. I also want to be able to connect with you like we used to. We act like an old married couple. Bickering about the stupidest things, exchanging nothing but small kisses and hugs...but I want that forbidden-ness back in our relationship. I want it to be exciting. I want to be able to see that wild side again...and the only time you seem to want it is when my Aunt Flow visits.

All my problems seem to be revolving around my feelings for you now and sadly, if everything stays the same, I'm not sure how much more I can take. I do everything I can to keep you happy, but in turn, it's slowly bringing me down. Especially when I am reminded that you are the one supporting me and when that gets brought up, it hurts.

I don't know why I'm so pathetic. I don't know why I can't do anything, or even have the motivation to stick around to do something. Sometimes I even feel guilted into living. My mind screams at me to leave my troubles behind, to end everything so I don't have to deal with what I feel...but somehow, I just can't leave you.

My ramblings are pathetic...

I had the weirdest thought go through my mind...

How I know that you hurt me...
How I hurt you too...
How I lied about fucking you all those times...
How I used you to get over her...
How I started falling for you...
How I miss you...
How I wish I could repair what went wrong between us
How I wish we could do all the things we said we would...

...But I'm happy...

And I've spent too much time trying to make her mine...

I'm not giving her up that easily...

I'm sorry :( xox

 

Caitlin,

You are my everything. You give me something to look forward to when I wake up. You give me something to look forward to when I come home from tech. You just give me something to look forward to in life.

You, baby, are gorgeous, whether you choose to believe it or not. You can be so fucking sexy when you want to be. Your eyes are bloody beautiful, I could gaze into them forever. Your lips are so soft and feel amazing when you push them against mine. Your skin is so smooth and your curves are so lovely, I never want to stop touching you.

When you smile, you make me smile. Baby, when you cry, I just want to hold you and cry too. When you laugh, it brightens my day.

Caitlin, you mean the world to me. You have pulled me out of dark places and kept me safe from the world. You give a damn about who I am and you care enough to help me. You are the girl I’ve fallen in love with. You’ve made me believe in things I thought were bullshit. I’ve become naïve enough to say that I think I won’t ever stop loving you, when in reality, we both know these feelings won’t stay forever.

You are my girl. I love you with all I have left to give. You’ve kept me safe and shown me what it’s like to have someone love you back.

Baby, I love you forever.

xoxox