what the fuck, man?
so, you start saying hi and all this shit and staring...AGAIN! seriously!!?? if your interested in him, leave me!
like i told, you, i'd rather you didn't lead me on...

"Haha that lasted so long... Not. Shes back to staring and saying hello like Shes happy to see me. I don't know why she bothers...

She was staring at me while I was unloading the truck yesterday and then said hi Alex with a smile and a wave like when her and I were together..."

I hate it...I hate not having a job...
I hate sitting at home...
I hate not having anyone to talk to...
I hate that I'm the one lumped with ALL the housework (minus one room) for an inspection tomorrow...


I can't handle it...
I wanna get out and do something with myself... 
I don't wanna turn into the housewife...


But now that I think about it...
I will still be the one doing all that stuff...
Everyday in the week...you will be busy...
You'll be working and you'll be studying...you'll have homework...


I'll be working...and I'll still be doing all the other shit...


Fuck my goddamned motherfucking life...
I hate living this way!
It was so much easier when I worked at New World...


I want comfort...
I don't want the stress...
I don't want anything anymore...
]
I couldn't care less about anyone or anything anymore... 




D:

I found this photo and I realise how much I’ve grown up since I’ve left home.

Ok, admittedly, I haven’t been making the right choices, but if theres one thing I’ve changed, it’s how much I love and appreciate my little sis :)

I thought that I used to hate her, but now I look back, and hear her complaints about my parents, and they’re exactly the same as what mine were. I feel sorry for her, and now that I don’t have her around, I feel lonely.; like there’s a part of me missing.

I really would love to see you again, Olivia.

I love you so much!

XOXOXOX

Today must be the best day ever!

1. Student loan approved.

2. McDonalds job interview, 2:30pm tomorrow.

3. Dentist job interview, 1:30pm tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about it. Next thing you know, I'll have a new job and won't be sitting at home doing nothing all day. Will be good. I think I'd prefer the job at the dentist as I reckon it would look better on a C.V. than working at a fast food joint. It would also give me insight as to what dentistry is like...seeing as I've always like things along the lines of medicine...might be interesting...

Anyway, I'm just hoping that I have some good chances...

Fingers crossed :D

As I feel one thing lifted off my shoulders, another presents itself...

Student loan has been restarted so that takes care of the financial situation...however, she has just started study...and I can't quite get the images of her finding someone, bringing the back to our place and her fucking them on our bed, out of my head...

It hurts..and I should be able to trust her..But this is my only worry...and I want to stop worrying :(

I decided that maybe I should set myself some goals for the short term.


So between now and my birthday (17 Oct):


1. I want to have a full time job.
2. I want to have my learners.
3. I want to have started paying back my student loan.
4. I want to have started paying Caitlin back.
5. I want to have made a dent in my NCEA study.
6. Be on speaking terms with my parents.


In the long term (so between now and 31 Dec):


1. Sit at about 75 - 80kg again. (100kg is too much!)
2. Have finished NCEA Level 2.
3. Have planned a career path.
4. Be preparing to move out of this shit arsed thing called a flat.
5. (hopeful much?) Still want to be with my baby <3

I should really start writing some more, but I have no fucking clue what to write about these days.
Its the same old, same old...however, I am stressing a little...well...A HELL OF A LOT MORE since I found out that Caitlin doesn't have two weeks before her course starts...she has a mere 5 DAYS!
My god. This has put me under so much pressure.
Everything has all been my fault. If I hadn't have quit my job in the fucking first place we wouldn't be in this mess. I hate it. I hate how I've screwed everything up. I just wish I could go back to the day that I quit...and perhaps...NOT have quit. But, sadly, I can't do that. There's no such thing as time travel and it sucks.


I want to change my life. I want to be a better person. Well, that's what I wanted to do this year anyway and instead, I've done exactly the opposite. I've made mistake upon mistake upon mistake and there's no way to change it.


I don't know how to be a better person. I just simply don't know how.


:(